22w0d

How Far Along: 22 weeks, 0 days!

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a papaya. That seems so large!

Continuing Symptoms: Same old, same old.

New Symptoms This Week: My backaches have miraculously gone away, and I'm feeling good.

Sleep: I have definitely been getting up numerous times to use the restroom. It's obnoxious, but I haven't had too much of a problem getting back to sleep. I have been feeling a little bit more tired when my alarm goes off at 5:30 am however!

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing crazy lately. I always want to eat pineapple. And anything salty.

Movement: I feel baby boy all the time now. At my 21 week appointment, the doctor asked me to start taking note of his movements, and told me I needed to make sure I felt him at least 3 times per day. I almost laughed - I would definitely notice if I didn't feel this kid move - he is bumping around all the time now. I love it.

Gender: IT'S (still) A BOY!!! This kid was definitely still a boy at the ultrasound on Friday. No chance of being a girl. Even though I knew it was a boy from our ultrasound at 16 weeks, it was still a relief to hear the ultrasound tech say, "Oh, definitely a boy. No chance about that."

Maternity Clothes: I can still wear certain stretchy non-maternity tops, but I mostly wear maternity clothes. I'm carrying really high, and my chest is quite larger than it was before, so I needed maternity clothes.

What I Miss: I miss booze. I really do!
Special Pregnancy Moments: The ultrasound on Friday was so awesome. He was so much bigger than 5 weeks before, and starting to look more and more baby-ish. She measured all his bones and organs, and we saw all 4 chambers of his tiny heart beating away. He is currently breech right now, but the doctor said that's totally normal at this stage, and he will definitely flip by delivery. But it makes sense for him to be breech - I have been feeling him kicking so low! He had his legs all tucked up by his head, and he is squished up nice and comfortable. It was really, really adorable.

What We Are Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to my baby shower in San Diego on February 9th. I know it's a long way away, but I haven't been home since my wedding more than a year ago, and I'm anxious to see all my friends and family. Plus, it will be fun to see all the cute baby things we get :)

21w0d

How Far Along: 21 weeks, 0 days!

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a banana. I don't know when I started disliking bananas, but I do. I like banana flavored foods - I love banana bread. But raw bananas? I'm not the biggest fan.

Continuing Symptoms: Same old, same old.

New Symptoms This Week: My backaches have miraculously gone away, and I'm feeling good.

Sleep: Sigh. Saturday night I couldn't get to sleep until 3 am, and then I woke up at 5 to use the restroom. Last night I had trouble getting to sleep. I really hope insomnia doesn't come to stay!

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing crazy, but I always crave salty over sweet. Old wive's tales say that I'm definitely having a boy since I crave salty things, but that's been the only old wive's tale that's been accurate for me!

Movement: This kid thumps around all day now! There's no denying that he's moving around in there. Jeremy felt him kick for the first time yesterday during Sunday afternoon football. Obviously, this is a sign that our baby already loves sports.

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!! I've been irritated by some people's reactions lately when I tell them it's a boy. It's always the women - I think most women think it would be more fun to have a girl. When I happily say "It's a boy!!," I've had a few women say things like, "Well, as long as it's healthy, that's all that matters!" Uh, ok. I've longed for a little boy from the beginning, and I'm ashamed to say that I might have been a little disappointed if the ultrasound tech told me it was a girl. I can't wait to meet my little boy.

Maternity Clothes: I can't deny it. I need maternity clothes. I'm pretty sure Jeremy got me some cute maternity clothes for Christmas that I desperately need. My mom got me an adorable comfy maternity cardigan that I've been living in all week.

What I Miss: I miss booze. I really do!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Feeling him kick like crazy this week has been awesome. When Jeremy felt the baby kick for the first time, we both got giddy. It was surreal and amazing.

What We Are Looking Forward To: We have our 20-week ultrasound on Friday (I know, 2 weeks late) and I can't wait to see how big he's gotten in the past 8 weeks!!! :)

20w0d

How Far Along: 20 weeks, 0 days...Half-way cooked!!!!

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a cantaloupe. That sounds huge. Actually, baby is only about 10 inches long (that does seem big!) and weighs almost 9oz.

Continuing Symptoms: Same old, same old.

New Symptoms This Week: My lower back has started to ache a little. Nothing terrible, but if I stand too long, or sit too long, my back aches. I try to get up and move a little from my desk every day.

Sleep: Sigh. I'm waking up more often in the middle of the night to use the restroom now, and I find that it's harder to get back to sleep. I usually fall back to sleep within 15 minutes, so that's not bad, but I usually never even wake up at all! So this tends to make me a little more tired and grumpy throughout the day.

Cravings/Aversions: These past couple weeks I've been wanting to eat ruby red grapefruit. It's not in season, so I can't. Boo. But every yummy Christmas treat that comes through the office building looks delicious, and I can't resist. Soooo...I'm going to start going to the gym tomorrow. Hmph.

Movement: Well, well. I've finally got some kicks. Some real kicks. This is a good story. I was having some strange symptoms last Thursday, and called the on-call doctor because I was worried. I was only mildly concerned, and figured it was better to be safe than sorry. Well, Miss On Call Doctor got really clinical and over-helpful, saying words like "threatened miscarriage." Obviously, everything is fine, and I guess she is a doctor, but I freaked out. I stared hysterically crying (and I'm not a crier) and laid in bed, sobbing at the prospect of losing my little boy. I hadn't felt him kick yet, so my crying turned frantic as my thoughts raced all over the place. Right when my crying was at its peak, I felt a huge kick, right where my hand was resting. It was such an obvious kick that I immediately stopped crying, and started to laugh. I couldn't believe it - this kid must have known I needed some reassurance, and gave me a good, hard, true kick to let me know that he was just fine. Since then, I've felt some thumps and bumps and flutters when I'm sitting still, or laying in bed. It's the best feeling ever.

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!! I'm still over the moon that I'm having a boy. Sometimes just thinking about what he'll look like makes me feel weepy. It must be the hormones. Really.

Maternity Clothes: I can't deny it. I need maternity clothes. Sigh.

What I Miss: I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my old body. I miss my thin(ner) body. I'm so, so happy to be pregnant and to be this little boy's mama, but let me tell you - I'll be working to get back into shape asap. There's ain't nothing that is super sexy about gaining weight, baby or not.
Special Pregnancy Moments: The first kick was amazing, pure joy. This kid has my heart already. And reaching the 20 week mark this week feels amazing. I'm half-way to meeting my boy!

19w1d

How Far Along: 19 weeks, 1 day

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a mango. I used to love mangos. The summer after my senior year of college, I went on a trip with a few friends to Maui. It was my "senior vacation." We stayed in a hostel, and went on amazing tours for free. It was an unbelievable trip. One of the tours was the Road to Hana tour - along the way, we stopped and hiked through some bamboo forests. There were mango trees everywhere. We gorged ourselves on mangos and passion fruit, and I had an amazing day. Later, however, as I was laying in the hammock at the hostel, my stomach started kinda icky. Let's just say that I do NOT like mangos anymore. But I love this little mango!

Continuing Symptoms: Same old, same old. Nothing new. Actually starting to feel really great and normal! Which is strangely worrying. I'm sure everything is just fine, but I really forget in the morning sometimes that I'm pregnant.

New Symptoms This Week: No new symptoms. I'm managing my heartburn by taking Zantac 75, which has been great. I have also started to try and drink a bunch more water. Before, the taste of plain water made me feel extremely sick. Weird, I know.

Sleep: I have been waking up more often lately in the middle of the night. Last night I woke up at 2 am, wide awake after using the restroom. It only took me about 30 minutes to get back to sleep, but it was obnoxious.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing really. Money has been tight lately with Christmas and medical bills, so I've actually only been eating the snacks my mom sends me. She sends me little packages of almonds and granola bars, to keep me healthy :)

I've noticed that if I have bad foods to eat, I will. If I have good foods to eat, I'll eat them. So I don't think I have real cravings or aversions too much.

Movement: I thought I felt the baby kick last week, but I haven't felt too much lately. Because of my Crohn's, I'm not sure if it's bubble gut, or gas, or baby. I'm getting a little anxious to feel real kicks. Not just because it will be fun, but because I anxious to know that he's alright. Every once in a while, I'll feel a jabby pain down there, but I can't say if it's baby or not. I'm waiting for real, true kicks.

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!! I still can't get over the fact that I'm going to have a little boy. It's what I've always wanted. I am not a hugely over-emotional person, but the sight of a tiny pair of jeans turns me to goo. Jeremy thinks I am going to spoil this little boy rotten. Probable.

Maternity Clothes: I need maternity pants, but I am still getting along with just a larger shirt. I'm only 5'3", so the baby really has nowhere to grow but OUT!

What I Miss: Nothing, really!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Nothing particularly "touching" this week, but every week I reach feels like a milestone. I never really thought I'd ever get pregnant and have a baby, so everything feels wonderful.

Kicks!

Well, hello there little one!

Today I felt my first official kicks! Around 1:30, I was sitting at my desk at work, reading a new book. (Empire of the Summer Moon by S.C. Gwynne)
All of a sudden, it felt like I had a muscle spasm or twitch, way down low. I'm so used to Crohn's stuff, so I ignored it. A few minutes later, 3 distinct little "pops" that felt very much like kicks!

My mom said she remember feeling kicks around 16 weeks, so I was patiently waiting to feel my first kicks. I know it's normal to feel kicks anywhere from 16 - 22 weeks, but I was getting impatient.

After the 3 little kicks, the little guy stopped. I tried to poke and prod him to get him to move, but this kid is stubborn. Jeremy is worried that he'll be just as stubborn as me - I'm sure he will be. :)

18w0d

How Far Along: 18 weeks, 0 days

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a sweet potato or bell pepper. Those seem like totally different vegetables. Either way, it seems much bigger and older.

Continuing Symptoms: Same old, same old. Nothing new. Actually starting to feel really great and normal!

New Symptoms This Week: My GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease - it's a side effect of my Crohn's) has come back, which is NO fun. It's basically heartburn on acid (pun intended!)

Sleep: I wake up about once a night around 4 am to use the restroom, but that's it. I have no problem getting right back to sleep.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing crazy. I've even stopped really wanting ice cream. I always have a box of Nilla wafers and Cheezits white cheddar crackers in my desk at work, though! I still love beef jerky. Weird mix of snacks!

Movement: Come'on, baby, I want to feel you kick!

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!! I still can't get over the fact that I'm going to have a little boy. It's what I've always wanted. I am not a hugely over-emotional person, but the sight of a tiny pair of jeans turns me to goo. Jeremy thinks I am going to spoil this little boy rotten. Probable.

Maternity Clothes: I need maternity pants, but I am still getting along with just a larger shirt. I'm only 5'3", so the baby really has nowhere to grow but OUT!

What I Miss: Nothing, really!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Reaching 18 weeks today feels very "official." Like I've reached some kind of milestone. I'm waiting for those first kicks :)

17w3d

How Far Along: 17 weeks, 3 days

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of an onion. What a weird comparison, right?

Continuing Symptoms: No symptoms anymore! I can see why every pregnant woman thinks the second trimester is wonderful. Because it is. I have energy back, I actually "look" pregnant now, no nausea, my appetite is back. It's great. Just a tiny bit of lower back pain, but it's managable.

New Symptoms This Week: Nothing to report. Yay!

Sleep: I wake up about once a night around 4 am to use the restroom, but that's it. I have no problem getting right back to sleep.

Cravings/Aversions: Nothing crazy. I've even stopped really wanting ice cream. I always have a box of Nilla wafers and Cheezits white cheddar crackers in my desk at work, though! I still love beef jerky. Weird mix of snacks!

Movement: I have felt tiny flutters, but no kicks yet. I can't wait for those!

Gender: IT'S A BOY!!! So, so, so thrilled about that.

Maternity Clothes: I need maternity pants, but I am still getting along with just a larger shirt. I'm only 5'3", so the baby really has nowhere to grow but OUT!

What I Miss: Nothing, really!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Am I a bad mother if I say that this past week has been hectic and boring and I haven't had a chance to think about pregnancy moments lately? Besides the fact that a woman in Dunkin Donuts told me yesterday that I was HUGE, and looked 7 months pregnant, not almost 5, and that my baby will be HUGE, and I might need a C-Section because my baby will be HUGE? Sheesh. I've gained 5 pounds in 18 weeks. Give me a break. I am not huge. Plus, HOW RUDE!!!

ps - I totally forgot that at the last OB appointment last week, I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. 160 bpm, like it's been for awhile. The doctor noticed that the little guy is sitting very low, underneath my belly button, probably right on my bladder. (which makes sense, since I always have to pee, but when I go, hardly anything trickles out. Ha!) I'd heard the heartbeat before, but for some reason, hearing it right there at that moment made me really feel like this was happening. It was very surreal and wonderful.

What We Are Looking Forward To: I'm looking forward to the first real kick. Come'on, baby, give me some kicks!

16w1d

How Far Along: 16 weeks, 1 day

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of an avocado! Yum :)

Continuing Symptoms: My symptoms seem to have all disappeared, which is wonderful! No nausea. I have a little lower back pain, but I think that's mainly due to the fact that I sit at a desk all day.

New Symptoms This Week: Nothing to report. Yay!

Sleep: I've been waking up more often to use to the restroom in the middle of the night, but have no problem getting right back to sleep. Thank goodness for that. I love my sleep.

 Cravings/Aversions: I have always been a sweets person. I like sour candies, and butter pecan ice cream especially. I also have a thing for beef jerky right now. Weird, I know.

Movement: Nothing concrete yet. I'm so used to feeling weird movements in my belly from my Crohn's, so I don't know if this is Crohn's or baby!!! I can't wait for a real kick, and neither can Jeremy.
Gender: IT'S A BOY!!! I knew it all along. I guess there is something to be said for mother's intuition!
Maternity Clothes: I need maternity pants, but I am still getting along with just a larger shirt. I'm only 5'3", so the baby really has nowhere to grow but OUT!

What I Miss: Nothing, really!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Seeing the smile on Jeremy's face when the ultrasound clearly showed that it was a BOY. We would have been happy with a girl, but I knew Jeremy really, really wanted a boy. He could not stop smiling. It was adorable.
What We Are Looking Forward To: I'm looking forward to the first real kick. Come'on, baby, give me some kicks!

Crohn's update...

So.....the Crohn's is back. Just a mild-flare up, but a flare-up nonetheless. I am plagued with abdominal pain, diarrhea and vomiting. Lovely.

I am angry.

I've only been diagnosed with Crohn's for nearly 3 years, but I can say that I hate it. I hate Crohn's disease. I'm not one of those people who will look up at the stars and say that I'm glad I have Crohn's, because it's made me the person I am today. Well, crap. I would get rid of my Crohn's in a heartbeat. I hate this shit.

I am angry that my body just can't behave. Normal pregnancy? Nope. Sorry, you get to see the high-risk OB and the GI! Normal life? Sorry, you can't eat food like a normal person without pain, diarrhea, weight loss, fatigue and skin problems. Awesome.

A lady at work told me that she's had the stomach flu before, so she knows how it feels. Um....unless your version of the stomach flu includes bloody diarrhea, excruciating pain and vomiting FOREVER, then don't say bologna like that. You don't know how it feels, and you never will, stupid jerk.

Sigh. This post sounds very angry. Sometimes I just have to let it out. I'm so stressed out that the Crohn's will hurt the baby, or cause me to have a late miscarriage. I know it probably will all be okay, but I hate Crohn's. I hate that it will never, ever go away. I hate that it is continuously messing up my life. Shit.

In other news....we find out in 2 days if this kidlet is a boy or girl.... :)

15w0d

I can't believe I forgot to do week 14! It was such a busy week, though. My company moved to a new office, and I was at work every morning early, and totally exhausted. I promise I won't miss anymore weeks! :)

How Far Along: 15 weeks, 0 days

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a navel orange. The idea that the baby is the size of a navel orange makes me miss home. My parent's house has 3 navel orange trees, and I remember summers of delicious, juicy oranges in the dry, hot heat. Oranges just don't taste the same in Chicago. But I'm sure this will be one sweet navel orange :)

Continuing Symptoms: My symptoms seem to have all disappeared, which is wonderful! Every once in a while, I'll get a little nausea if I forget to eat, but that's not often.

New Symptoms This Week: I've had some lower back pain lately. I hope that goes away soon, even though I have a feeling it won't.

Sleep: My sleeping habits have seem to have gone back to normal. I no longer fall asleep at 8pm! I got to bed like a normal person nowadays.
Cravings/Aversions: Nothing, really. Strange, I know. I just eat what I want, and I don't seem to crave anything particular.

Movement: I thought I felt a little bit of a flutter the other night, but I can't be sure. Should be soon, though!
Gender: I'm still very convinced it's a boy. We'll find out on November 18th, at our early 16 week scan! :)
Maternity Clothes: I am starting to get a little bump! I've only gained 3 pounds in 15 weeks, but a lady at the grocery store congratulated me on my coming baby. That was fun.

What I Miss: Nothing, really!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Having a stranger actually realize that I'm pregnant, not just fat!
What We Are Looking Forward To: In 6 days, we'll know if this little thing is a boy or a girl. Man, is your Grandma Susan getting anxious! She wants to start shopping!! :)

One more view....

I couldn't resist.

This was our second "12 week" nuchal ultrasound, as the baby didn't cooperate last time.

We got an adorable profile shot this time, where the baby looks totally human. As opposed to something out of Alien vs. Predator. Am I a bad mom already for saying that?

Anyhow, here's the little bug:

Cute, right?

Announcing...

I could not for the life of me figure out how to post the pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I mean, how should I announce it?

Just say, "Hey, guys, I'm knocked up?" I am not about to post pictures of my fat belly or slap pastel baby crap all over my Facebook wall.

I wanted it to be clever, yet not too sappy.

This is what I came up with, just in time for Halloween and fall. I lugged all 3 pumpkins out to the yard next to our apartment, and used my cell phone camera. I'm cheap. But I think it turned out rather adorable. We announced it on October 20, 2012.

The caption read, "Jeremy and I are pleased to announced that we are expecting our own little pumpkin, due May 6, 2013!"

13w0d

How Far Along: 13 weeks, 0 days

Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a peach, just about 3 inches. Getting big!

Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions, nausea.

New Symptoms This Week: The nausea virtually gone away, which is awesome. If I go too long without eating, I feel a little sick, but it's better.

Sleep: I am a sleep machine. I have started to take naps in my car on my lunchbreak. Yes, I really do. I'm not embarassed - I need me some naps!
Cravings/Aversions: I've noticed that I would much rather have something savory, like crackers or pickles or meat, than sweets.

Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: I am starting to get a little bump! I actually lost 1 pound in the first trimester, but I know I will gain enough...

What I Miss: Having a waist! :)
Special Pregnancy Moments: Getting the nuchal screening done, seeing the baby's little profile, and getting a good report from the Genetics department!
What We Are Looking Forward To: In 3 weeks, we'll know if our kiddo is a boy or girl!

12w1d

How Far Along: 12 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a plum. The next-door neighbor girls used to have a plum tree in their back yard - I spent my summers swimming in their pool, only getting out to run to the plum tree to grab a plum. We would get back into the pool to wash off the sticky plum juice, and I remember having more than one bellyache from eating too many plums. This is one plum I won't be eating. Ha!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions, nausea.

New Symptoms This Week: The nausea has been very mild, but lingering. It ensures that I'm never that hungry. I haven't gained any weight yet, and I'm one week away from the 2nd trimester!

Sleep: I am a sleep machine. I have started to take naps in my car on my lunchbreak. Yes, I really do. I'm not embarassed - I need me some naps!
Cravings/Aversions: No food really sounds that good, except for cereal. I love, love cereal. I could eat Frosted Mini Wheats all dang day. But if a food doesn't sound good, you better get it away from me quick. And I do mean quick.

Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: I don't understand why all women don't wear maternity pants. Hello....they are so comfortable! I don't need them, but they are unbelievably comfortable. No belly yet, sadly. I'm sure I will be as big as a house soon, though.

What I Miss: I miss the days of no nausea. Ha!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Seeing the baby look like a real little human on the ultrasound last week. So amazing.
What We Are Looking Forward To: To be honest, my Crohn's is starting to be a pain, and I can't wait to get my Remicade infusion in 3 days. It will help me feel so much better. I'm also looking forward to another peek at my plum on Friday, too! :)

Hey, you!

The 11-week ultrasound was so amazing. As soon as the ultrasound girl put the wand on my belly, the baby appeared, dancing and kicking up a storm. Except the little bugger was upside down, doing a headstand! She couldn't get exact measurements because of the baby's position, and we tried to jiggle him around and get him to move, but he was dead-set on staying in his headstand position. It looks like this baby is already very stubborn :)

It was unbelievable to see how much the baby has grown since the last ultrasound at 7 weeks. From a little lumpy blob (a cute one, but still) to a real human-looking baby! With tiny feet, tiny hands and a round little head! I could not believe it, and my smile never left my face. So very surreal. I kept thinking, "Well, hello, you. You're mine. My baby."

His little heart was beating fast at 165 bpm. It was such a relief to me to see that heartbeat flashing away. I'd been so worried over the last few weeks - I have some nausea, but no real "morning sickness," and I couldn't believe there was truly a baby inside me. Every time I see him on the screen, I am blown away. It's very sci-fi; there's another human body inside my body. I can't get over it.

I will be going back next week to get another ultrasound, and hopefully the little guy will decide to cooperate this time. I'm not complaining - I love seeing the wiggly little body appear on the screen.

I'm in love.

(Has anyone else noticed that I have been referring to the baby as "he" or "him?" I can't help it. I'm so convinced it's a little boy. If you're a girl, baby, I'm sorry!)

11w1d

I know, I know...I missed week 10. In my defense, I had the Ultimate Cold, given to me by Jeremy. I was more miserable than I've been in a long time.

 

How Far Along: 11 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a lime. Is it bad that all week I'll probably dream of a margarita with a slice of lime?
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions.

New Symptoms This Week: I have started to have really vague, all-day nausea. Nothing crazy, but it definitely ensures that I'm not too hungry.

Sleep: I sleep all.the.time. However, I haven't been able to sleep in for awhile. The latest I've slept in has been 8am on a Saturday, which is disturbing to me. I used to love sleeping in!
Cravings/Aversions: No real cravings or aversions. One thing that always sounds good is butter pecan ice cream. But I can't eat a ton of it, which is good for my waistline. I haven't gained any weight yet, but somehow, my middle seems heavier and thicker. I'm dreading the weight gain.

Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: I bought myself some H&M maternity skinny jeans this weekend. I needed a new pair of jeans to tuck into boots for the fall and winter, and figured it was about time I buy some maternity ones. No weight gain or belly yet, but my belly is tender, and it's nice to have the soft, stretchy fabric on my belly instead of the chafing jeans.

What I Miss: I miss eating big plates of food without feeling sick before/during/after. I really, really wanted a big margarita this weekend, too. :)
Special Pregnancy Moments: Realizing that I have 1 more week of the first trimester left. Also, last week when someone told me that I was going to be a mom - it really hit me. I'm someone's mom. Holy cow. When did I become an adult?
What We Are Looking Forward To: The nuchal screening ultrasound is 2 days away, and I'm really excited to have a peek at the baby. Because he/she will look like a "baby" now!

Fear.

Fear can be a very potent and powerful thing.

I want to say that the journey to this pregnancy was all roses, happiness and skipping. But it hasn't been. There was a lot of worry, fear and times when my husband muttered something about me being "out of my mind."

Fear and I have had a long relationship. My mother is convinced that I was born fearless. I started walking at 8 1/2 months old, curious to see the world, never worrying about falling or strangers. Then, my mother disappeared out of my life when I was 7, and I began to fear everything - the dark, strangers, being left alone. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom alone - I would have my little brother walk me to the bathroom (which was down the hall) and wait until I was done to walk me back.

As I got older, I feared the normal things kids fear - getting bad grades, disappointing your parents, paying for college, finding a boyfriend, not fitting in - the normal things.

It wasn't until around 5 years ago that I started feeling true fear, like nothing I had ever felt before. I didn't know I had Crohn's disease at that point, but I knew that my body had started acting funny, and was being extremely uncooperative. I started feeling little niggles of fear, and I did something very unusual for me: I went to the doctor. This terrible doctor proceeded to tell me that my symptoms were no big deal, that I was probably allergic to dairy, and that I needed to lower my stress. He would do some bloodwork, he said, and call me. He never called, and I never went back. To any doctor. For 3 more years, I suffered terrible symptoms that just got worse and worse, because I was afraid. Afraid that another doctor would tell me the same thing, afraid that I was imagining things, but mostly afraid of what these symptoms could mean. So I suffered in silence.

It wasn't until I moved to Chicago and fell in love with my husband that I realized I needed to figure this out - I was emotionally and physically drained, afraid all the time. I went to the ER, spent 3 days in the hospital, and got a diagnosis of Crohn's disease in 2010.

You would think that would have cured my fear - it didn't. It fueled it. In my mind, my body had "failed" me in the worst way. I would likely be on medications the rest of my life, and I wondered what kind of impact that would have on my already fragile immune system. I worried about the possibility of getting pregnant - my body had "failed" me already, would it fail me again?

When I got pregnant, I vowed to myself that this cycle of fear would end. I would stop worrying about if my body would fail me - I would have faith that my body would (finally) do it's job. And, so far, it has. I know every mother has worries and fears. But I needed to reign my fear in, and realize that just because my body doesn't have the most awesome intestines, doesn't mean it can't support and grow a baby.

I struggle with fear still - I have no morning sickness, so I wonder if the baby is okay and healthy. Will I miscarry? Will the baby be healthy? Will we have enough money for daycare? Will my baby suffer because we can't afford for me to stay home?

But this time, instead of letting fear rule me, I am taking control of myself. Because pretty soon, I'm going to be a mama. I want to teach my son or daughter that fear is unhealthy, that you can live life free of fear and worry. And the best way to teach them that? Live my life that way.

So from here on out, I am letting go of fear. Why do I hear Doris Day's voice in the background, "Que sera, sera...whatever will be will be....the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera."

9w1d

How Far Along: 9 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a green olive or grape. I prefer the thought of a grape, since I hate green olives!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions! I have had some crazy mood swings this week - yesterday I burst into tears and slammed my bedroom door because my favorite Thai place wasn't open until 4, and I needed crab rangoons RIGHT NOW. Lovely Jeremy found a place to deliver me crab rangoons anyway. I knew I married him for a reason.
New Symptoms This Week: No strong morning sickness, but I have started to feel some vague nausea. I will crave a huge plate of food, then right before I eat a bite, the smell will put me off, and I'll feel sick. I also feel sick when I take my daily pills/vitamims (all 18 per day). Nausea is no fun, but I'm so thankful it's not full-blown morning sickness.
Sleep: I sleep all.the.time.
Cravings/Aversions: I have been craving brownies bigtime, but I haven't indulged yet. I think I might make some tonight. Like I said before, I will crave, crave, crave a certain food, then the smell of it will make me feel sick. No cravings/aversions in particular, though.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: I don't need maternity jeans yet, but the waistline of my jeans rubbing against my belly hurts. I haven't gained any weight, so I think it's just bloating that is making me feel gross. I am going to buy some maternity jeans next week, though, I think.
What I Miss: I miss eating big plates of food without feeling sick before/during/after.
Special Pregnancy Moments: Hitting 9 weeks and thinking, crap. This might happen. So surreal.
What We Are Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to my next ultrasound at 11 weeks, on October 17th. I am counting down the days.

8w1d

How Far Along: 8 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a raspberry this week!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions!
New Symptoms This Week: Still no morning sickness - the doctor thinks that if I haven't gotten it by now, I probably will not get it at all. Hooray! No new symptoms - there are times when I don't even feel pregnant. I'm sure I will soon.
Sleep: I'm still tired all the time, falling asleep on the couch by 8:30 every night.
Cravings/Aversions: Nope. Knock on wood, this has been an easy, easy pregnancy so far!
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: Not really - just my maternity leggings, and mainly because they're so comfy, not because I need them!
What I Miss: I miss being a night owl! I'm so tired all the time.
Special Pregnancy Moments: The ultrasound this week was amazing. The baby was a little blob-looking thing with a tiny, flickering heartbeat. I could not believe that there is actually something in there! That was the best moment so far.
What We Are Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to my next ultrasound at 11 week, on October 17th. The baby should look more defined, with fingers and toes and spine and little nose and everything. Eek!

The first picture.

I haven't had any morning sickness at all - no nausea, anything. So I haven't felt like the whole pregnancy was "real" yet.

However, that all changed at my first ultrasound today.

Right away, the technician found the heartbeat, and Jeremy and I could not believe our eyes. There was a little heart, flickering away. It's amazing how technology works! I kept telling Jeremy, "There IS a baby in there!" The technician smiled at that.

I can't believe it. This is real, isn't it?

7w1d

How Far Along: 7 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a blueberry this week. It's crazy how much they grow in one week!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy, crazy emotions!
New Symptoms This Week: I still do not have morning sickness - I'm hoping that I will never get it! It would be reassuring to have some nausea, but nothing so far. I have small waves of nausea after I eat, or when I think about eating a yucky food. Other than that, I feel great.
Sleep: I've been feeling more tired. It used to take me about 30 minutes to fall asleep - now, my head hits the pillow, and I'm out. I've been extra-groggy when I wake up, and it's been a struggle to get out of bed at 5am every morning.
Cravings/Aversions: Nothing crazy. I've been craving pineapple and watermelon, but that's not so great for my Crohn's. Bummer.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I found that I've been referring to the baby as "he." I've got a sneaking suspicion that this is a boy, but it's not based on any fact - just a feeling. The Chinese gender predictor says I'm having a girl, but I think that's a bunch of bologna anyway. I mean, there's really a 50/50 chance either way, right??
Maternity Clothes: So, I don't have any fall clothes that will fit me right now - the prednisone made me gain a little weight this spring, so I am in need of fall clothes. I am going to buy myself some maternity leggings tonight, and wear them with boots and sweaters. It's supposed to be 64 degrees tomorrow - fall is officially here!
What I Miss: I hope this doesn't sound snotty, but I miss people minding their own business! Everyone has an opinion, and some people don't realize that I have to do things a certain way because of my Crohn's disease. Yes, I would eat a salad everyday if I could, but I can't, so mind your own business!! :) (putting a smiley face after every snotty comment makes it ok, right?)
Special Pregnancy Moments: I was at my best friend's child's 2nd birthday party, and she told people I was pregnant. It felt nice to be congratulated. I felt like part of the pregnant "group." I promise, I won't become one of those crazy, cult moms who only hangs out with moms and pregnant people.
What We Are Looking Forward To: The first ultrasound is tomorrow. Eeek. I shouldn't be nervous, but oh, I am. I think it will all suddenly seem real when I see that little heartbeat. Because I don't have morning sickness, this hasn't seemed "real" yet. I can't wait to see you for the first time, little bean!

6w1d

How Far Along: 6 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: You're the size of a sweet pea! Strange to compare a baby to fruits and veggies...
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy, crazy emotions!
New Symptoms This Week: Nothing particularly. It's still early, so I'm sure the symptoms will start rolling in soon!
Sleep: I have been more exhausted this week. On the weekends, I take naps on the couch, and I'm still yawning at 9pm! Also, I haven't been tired at work in the mornings. The past few days, I cannot stay awake. I am exhausted.
Cravings/Aversions: Yesterday at the bar, I ordered a burger and tater tots (don't judge, it's our NFL Sunday Funday!) and the tater tots tasted terrible. Jeremy loved them, but they tasted chemicall-y and off to me. Blech.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: Still unknown. Ooh, I can't wait to find out, though! I've never been a patient person.
Maternity Clothes: I bought a pair of small maternity pants for work this week. They're too big, but they were on clearance, so I couldn't resist. I can fit into most of my old clothes, except for my shirts. They're a little tight on the top, if you know what I mean. :)
What I Miss: I miss feeling awake!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Reaching 6 weeks felt awesome. It's starting to feel like this may be real.
What We Are Looking Forward To: Our first prenatal visit and ultrasound on September 18th. I am so eager to see that everything is happening just as it should be.

5w2d

How Far Along: 5 weeks, 2 days
Size of Baby: You're the size of an appleseed now, little one! Keep growing!!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy.
New Symptoms This Week: I am now starving!!! I am trying to keep my portions small, but I am always hungry! I've had a few headaches as well, but I can't tell if it's because I gave up caffeine or not. Jeremy also says that I have been ridiculously emotional. I guess I didn't need to cry about not having my toll money for the expressway...
Sleep: I am still having wild, vivid dreams. I have never been a morning person (ever!), but lately I have been waking up very early, and have been very alert and awake. So strange for me.
Cravings/Aversions: Still no big cravings or aversions. I am still leaning toward salty foods, though.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: Still unknown. Ooh, I can't wait to find out, though! I've never been a patient person.
Maternity Clothes: I don't need maternity clothes, but I do need a few new pairs of work pants for fall and winter. I'm thinking of just buying maternity work pants - I'll be wearing them soon anyway!
What I Miss: I didn't miss anything this week (there was no NFL this week) :)
Special Pregnancy Moments: Moving into our new apartment this weekend - I looked around and thought, "This will be the first house my baby lives in!"
What We Are Looking Forward To: Our first prenatal visit and ultrasound on September 18th. We can't wait to see the heartbeat! :)

Moving!

Jeremy and I are moving tomorrow, and I cannot wait. We currently live in a tiny 450 square foot "apartment" in Lincoln Park. I say apartment, but it's more like a closet with a bathroom and kitchen. It has one window. Yes, you read that correctly. One window - and it's not in our bedroom. It's dark and small and crowded. We have been dying to get out of there.
Our new apartment in Evanston is roomy, airy and breezy. Windows in every room. Vintage wood cabinets, bay windows, open floorplan. Just in time for a new addition. :)
When we rented this apartment, we didn't really think about the fact that it was only a 1-bedroom. That's all we needed, and we can't afford too much more than that. Chicago is expensive! So, no nursey for the baby. I do think I'll convert part of the huge dining room into a play room/nursery, however. Who needs a table and chairs? Hehee.
It's such a huge apartment that I don't think not having a seperate nursery will be any big deal at all. My mom always told me that babies need way less than people think, too. Always good to know. Jeremy is secretly thrilled that we won't have to pay to furnish a whole huge nursery, anyway. That man.
I can't help but be so excited to move into this new place. It's on a beautiful, quiet residential street, with a huge park right down the way. It's a gorgeous neighborhood. And it's the first house my baby will ever live in, which makes it even more special.
Life is so good right now.
So if we can just get past the whole "moving" part of moving, that would be great.

Crohn's and baby...

I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease on July 22, 2010, 8 days before my 30th birthday. I remember being so groggy, waking up from my colonoscopy, and the doctor's face swimming above mine as he said, "Jennifer, you have Crohn's disease, just as I suspected." I was still too confused to know what that really meant, and I remember asking if I would still be able to have children. He laughingly brushed it off and told me that it didn't matter right now.

Well, it certainly mattered to me.

He is no longer my GI doctor.

When Jeremy and I started talking about trying to have a baby a few months ago, I nearly worried myself sick wondering if the Crohn's disease would have any negative lasting effects on my body. I spent the last 2 years in flare after flare, never fully getting to remission. I had been having Crohn's symptoms for about 5 years before I was diagnosed, so who knows what my body had been through. My normally slim and muscular 130 pound body whittled down to 105, and then back up to 145 on prednisone. (I hate you, prednisone. Never again.)

I'm currently on Remicade, a strong IV infusion drug that I receive every 8 weeks. I also take Imuran daily (an immunosuppressant), Lialda, Vitamin D3, fish oil, Vitamin B12, Iron, a probiotic, and prenatal. 15 pills a day - which I don't mind at all, as long as I stay healthy. I've been in remission since my first dose of Remicade in April 2012.

But the fear remained after every month that I wasn't pregnant....did Crohn's somehow scar my body in ways I wasn't aware of? Was I going to be able to have children?

I was overjoyed when I picked up that little stick and saw those 2 pink lines - but I was also overwhelmingly relieved. Crohn's had taken a lot away from me, but it couldn't take away babies and my future. I still can't believe it.

I still haven't lost all the weight from the prednisone, and it looks like I won't for another 9 months. I'm upset that I'm heavier than I want to be, but at least I am healthy and in remission. I still miss being a size 2, but I do not miss the pain, sickness and horror being a size 2 cost me. I'll be 20 pounds heavier any day if it means that I'm pain-free. And I am. Which is the best feeling in the world. (I promise, it's 100 times better than being a size 2!) :)

I know, deep down, that if I was still a tiny size 2, sick and flaring, that my body would not be able to support a pregnancy. So I thank God that I have some extra meat on me, healthy and able to get pregnant and nourish another life.

I'll be continuing on my Remicade and Imuran throughout the pregnancy. There is some controversy about whether it's ok to remain on such strong drugs - some GI and high-risk obgyn's say no. However, most doctors realize that in order to have a healthy baby, you must have a healthy mother. And without these drugs, I am not healthy.

I can only pray that the rest of this pregnancy continues smoothly...I'm only 4weeks and 2days, so I have roughly, oh, 35 weeks and 5 days left....:)

4 weeks, 1 day

How Far Along: 4 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: Poppyseed. So basically, peanut, you're teeny tiny!!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy.
New Symptoms This Week: No new symptoms this week. It's very early!
Sleep: I am going to bed so early nowadays…well, I've actually been falling asleep on the couch! When I do sleep, it's very deep sleep with crazy, vivid dreams!
Cravings/Aversions: Nothing yet, really. I'm wanting more salty treats lately, though.
Movement: Way too early for that!
Gender: We obviously don't know yet, but Jeremy secretly is hoping for a boy, even though he'll be thrilled either way.
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, thank goodness. However, I do feel very bloated!!
What I Miss: I'll be honest. I miss beer! With football season right around the corner, I'm going to miss my beer while watching the Chargers!! :)
Special Pregnancy Moments: seeing that 2nd line turn pink on Tuesday, August 21st, and seeing the look on Jeremy's face when I told him I was pregnant!
What We Are Looking Forward To: Our first prenatal visit and ultrasound on September 18th. We can't wait to see the heartbeat! :)

The beginning...

Dear Peanut,

Today I am 4 weeks, 1 day pregnant. I truly thought this day might never come. I could not believe my eyes on Tuesday, August 21st when I saw the two little pink lines appear. It was 6 pm, and your dad was playing basketball at the gym. I raced to Walgreens, and basically bought their whole section of pregnancy tests! I was shocked beyond belief when the word "pregnant" appeared on the digital test.
When your dad got home, all he kept saying was, "Are you kidding?" He was in shock, too. Neither one of us could believe it. We are happy, overjoyed, scared, nervous.
Your due date is May 5, 2013. Cindo de Mayo! A true San Diego baby :)
I can't wait to meet you in 36 weeks. I know you will be the most adorable baby anyone has ever seen. But for right now, please stay right where you are.

Love,
Mama