Fear.

Fear can be a very potent and powerful thing.

I want to say that the journey to this pregnancy was all roses, happiness and skipping. But it hasn't been. There was a lot of worry, fear and times when my husband muttered something about me being "out of my mind."

Fear and I have had a long relationship. My mother is convinced that I was born fearless. I started walking at 8 1/2 months old, curious to see the world, never worrying about falling or strangers. Then, my mother disappeared out of my life when I was 7, and I began to fear everything - the dark, strangers, being left alone. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom alone - I would have my little brother walk me to the bathroom (which was down the hall) and wait until I was done to walk me back.

As I got older, I feared the normal things kids fear - getting bad grades, disappointing your parents, paying for college, finding a boyfriend, not fitting in - the normal things.

It wasn't until around 5 years ago that I started feeling true fear, like nothing I had ever felt before. I didn't know I had Crohn's disease at that point, but I knew that my body had started acting funny, and was being extremely uncooperative. I started feeling little niggles of fear, and I did something very unusual for me: I went to the doctor. This terrible doctor proceeded to tell me that my symptoms were no big deal, that I was probably allergic to dairy, and that I needed to lower my stress. He would do some bloodwork, he said, and call me. He never called, and I never went back. To any doctor. For 3 more years, I suffered terrible symptoms that just got worse and worse, because I was afraid. Afraid that another doctor would tell me the same thing, afraid that I was imagining things, but mostly afraid of what these symptoms could mean. So I suffered in silence.

It wasn't until I moved to Chicago and fell in love with my husband that I realized I needed to figure this out - I was emotionally and physically drained, afraid all the time. I went to the ER, spent 3 days in the hospital, and got a diagnosis of Crohn's disease in 2010.

You would think that would have cured my fear - it didn't. It fueled it. In my mind, my body had "failed" me in the worst way. I would likely be on medications the rest of my life, and I wondered what kind of impact that would have on my already fragile immune system. I worried about the possibility of getting pregnant - my body had "failed" me already, would it fail me again?

When I got pregnant, I vowed to myself that this cycle of fear would end. I would stop worrying about if my body would fail me - I would have faith that my body would (finally) do it's job. And, so far, it has. I know every mother has worries and fears. But I needed to reign my fear in, and realize that just because my body doesn't have the most awesome intestines, doesn't mean it can't support and grow a baby.

I struggle with fear still - I have no morning sickness, so I wonder if the baby is okay and healthy. Will I miscarry? Will the baby be healthy? Will we have enough money for daycare? Will my baby suffer because we can't afford for me to stay home?

But this time, instead of letting fear rule me, I am taking control of myself. Because pretty soon, I'm going to be a mama. I want to teach my son or daughter that fear is unhealthy, that you can live life free of fear and worry. And the best way to teach them that? Live my life that way.

So from here on out, I am letting go of fear. Why do I hear Doris Day's voice in the background, "Que sera, sera...whatever will be will be....the future's not ours to see, que sera, sera."

9w1d

How Far Along: 9 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a green olive or grape. I prefer the thought of a grape, since I hate green olives!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions! I have had some crazy mood swings this week - yesterday I burst into tears and slammed my bedroom door because my favorite Thai place wasn't open until 4, and I needed crab rangoons RIGHT NOW. Lovely Jeremy found a place to deliver me crab rangoons anyway. I knew I married him for a reason.
New Symptoms This Week: No strong morning sickness, but I have started to feel some vague nausea. I will crave a huge plate of food, then right before I eat a bite, the smell will put me off, and I'll feel sick. I also feel sick when I take my daily pills/vitamims (all 18 per day). Nausea is no fun, but I'm so thankful it's not full-blown morning sickness.
Sleep: I sleep all.the.time.
Cravings/Aversions: I have been craving brownies bigtime, but I haven't indulged yet. I think I might make some tonight. Like I said before, I will crave, crave, crave a certain food, then the smell of it will make me feel sick. No cravings/aversions in particular, though.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: I don't need maternity jeans yet, but the waistline of my jeans rubbing against my belly hurts. I haven't gained any weight, so I think it's just bloating that is making me feel gross. I am going to buy some maternity jeans next week, though, I think.
What I Miss: I miss eating big plates of food without feeling sick before/during/after.
Special Pregnancy Moments: Hitting 9 weeks and thinking, crap. This might happen. So surreal.
What We Are Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to my next ultrasound at 11 weeks, on October 17th. I am counting down the days.

8w1d

How Far Along: 8 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a raspberry this week!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crazy emotions!
New Symptoms This Week: Still no morning sickness - the doctor thinks that if I haven't gotten it by now, I probably will not get it at all. Hooray! No new symptoms - there are times when I don't even feel pregnant. I'm sure I will soon.
Sleep: I'm still tired all the time, falling asleep on the couch by 8:30 every night.
Cravings/Aversions: Nope. Knock on wood, this has been an easy, easy pregnancy so far!
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I'm still convinced it's a boy. I just can't imagine it being a girl - I will be shocked if they tell us it's a girl!
Maternity Clothes: Not really - just my maternity leggings, and mainly because they're so comfy, not because I need them!
What I Miss: I miss being a night owl! I'm so tired all the time.
Special Pregnancy Moments: The ultrasound this week was amazing. The baby was a little blob-looking thing with a tiny, flickering heartbeat. I could not believe that there is actually something in there! That was the best moment so far.
What We Are Looking Forward To: I am looking forward to my next ultrasound at 11 week, on October 17th. The baby should look more defined, with fingers and toes and spine and little nose and everything. Eek!

The first picture.

I haven't had any morning sickness at all - no nausea, anything. So I haven't felt like the whole pregnancy was "real" yet.

However, that all changed at my first ultrasound today.

Right away, the technician found the heartbeat, and Jeremy and I could not believe our eyes. There was a little heart, flickering away. It's amazing how technology works! I kept telling Jeremy, "There IS a baby in there!" The technician smiled at that.

I can't believe it. This is real, isn't it?

7w1d

How Far Along: 7 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: The baby is the size of a blueberry this week. It's crazy how much they grow in one week!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy, crazy emotions!
New Symptoms This Week: I still do not have morning sickness - I'm hoping that I will never get it! It would be reassuring to have some nausea, but nothing so far. I have small waves of nausea after I eat, or when I think about eating a yucky food. Other than that, I feel great.
Sleep: I've been feeling more tired. It used to take me about 30 minutes to fall asleep - now, my head hits the pillow, and I'm out. I've been extra-groggy when I wake up, and it's been a struggle to get out of bed at 5am every morning.
Cravings/Aversions: Nothing crazy. I've been craving pineapple and watermelon, but that's not so great for my Crohn's. Bummer.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: I found that I've been referring to the baby as "he." I've got a sneaking suspicion that this is a boy, but it's not based on any fact - just a feeling. The Chinese gender predictor says I'm having a girl, but I think that's a bunch of bologna anyway. I mean, there's really a 50/50 chance either way, right??
Maternity Clothes: So, I don't have any fall clothes that will fit me right now - the prednisone made me gain a little weight this spring, so I am in need of fall clothes. I am going to buy myself some maternity leggings tonight, and wear them with boots and sweaters. It's supposed to be 64 degrees tomorrow - fall is officially here!
What I Miss: I hope this doesn't sound snotty, but I miss people minding their own business! Everyone has an opinion, and some people don't realize that I have to do things a certain way because of my Crohn's disease. Yes, I would eat a salad everyday if I could, but I can't, so mind your own business!! :) (putting a smiley face after every snotty comment makes it ok, right?)
Special Pregnancy Moments: I was at my best friend's child's 2nd birthday party, and she told people I was pregnant. It felt nice to be congratulated. I felt like part of the pregnant "group." I promise, I won't become one of those crazy, cult moms who only hangs out with moms and pregnant people.
What We Are Looking Forward To: The first ultrasound is tomorrow. Eeek. I shouldn't be nervous, but oh, I am. I think it will all suddenly seem real when I see that little heartbeat. Because I don't have morning sickness, this hasn't seemed "real" yet. I can't wait to see you for the first time, little bean!

6w1d

How Far Along: 6 weeks, 1 day
Size of Baby: You're the size of a sweet pea! Strange to compare a baby to fruits and veggies...
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy, crazy emotions!
New Symptoms This Week: Nothing particularly. It's still early, so I'm sure the symptoms will start rolling in soon!
Sleep: I have been more exhausted this week. On the weekends, I take naps on the couch, and I'm still yawning at 9pm! Also, I haven't been tired at work in the mornings. The past few days, I cannot stay awake. I am exhausted.
Cravings/Aversions: Yesterday at the bar, I ordered a burger and tater tots (don't judge, it's our NFL Sunday Funday!) and the tater tots tasted terrible. Jeremy loved them, but they tasted chemicall-y and off to me. Blech.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: Still unknown. Ooh, I can't wait to find out, though! I've never been a patient person.
Maternity Clothes: I bought a pair of small maternity pants for work this week. They're too big, but they were on clearance, so I couldn't resist. I can fit into most of my old clothes, except for my shirts. They're a little tight on the top, if you know what I mean. :)
What I Miss: I miss feeling awake!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Reaching 6 weeks felt awesome. It's starting to feel like this may be real.
What We Are Looking Forward To: Our first prenatal visit and ultrasound on September 18th. I am so eager to see that everything is happening just as it should be.

5w2d

How Far Along: 5 weeks, 2 days
Size of Baby: You're the size of an appleseed now, little one! Keep growing!!
Continuing Symptoms: Exhaustion, sore breasts, crampy.
New Symptoms This Week: I am now starving!!! I am trying to keep my portions small, but I am always hungry! I've had a few headaches as well, but I can't tell if it's because I gave up caffeine or not. Jeremy also says that I have been ridiculously emotional. I guess I didn't need to cry about not having my toll money for the expressway...
Sleep: I am still having wild, vivid dreams. I have never been a morning person (ever!), but lately I have been waking up very early, and have been very alert and awake. So strange for me.
Cravings/Aversions: Still no big cravings or aversions. I am still leaning toward salty foods, though.
Movement: Still way too early for that!
Gender: Still unknown. Ooh, I can't wait to find out, though! I've never been a patient person.
Maternity Clothes: I don't need maternity clothes, but I do need a few new pairs of work pants for fall and winter. I'm thinking of just buying maternity work pants - I'll be wearing them soon anyway!
What I Miss: I didn't miss anything this week (there was no NFL this week) :)
Special Pregnancy Moments: Moving into our new apartment this weekend - I looked around and thought, "This will be the first house my baby lives in!"
What We Are Looking Forward To: Our first prenatal visit and ultrasound on September 18th. We can't wait to see the heartbeat! :)